Ode to the 21st century

Five of the things I feel now that I don’t love you anymore

 1. Distain

Out of these five this distain was the one I was least prepared for. I was unprepared for the fact that your face would one day bring disgust rather than joy or hope. I was unaware that any part of you could raise distain in me but now it all does. The way your hair hangs lank after not being washed for days sickens me. Your face, tired, sunken, pale from lack of natural daylight now sends me running for the hills rather then towards you ready to catch you should you fall. Yes, distain I did not see coming; the others were expected.

2. Anger

As well as your new association with distain I now associate you with anger. I’m not sure how new this feeling is concerning you, there were times in the past you pissed me off but this feels different. It bubbles in me and I have to remove myself from your company before I blow – I envision myself smacking you square in your unwashed face. I usually feel it when I’m asking for a favour you refuse, it reminds me that you don’t love me, you never have and you never will, a rage fills me, a rage directed at you. Caused by your lies and deceit, your libertine ways. Yes, now sometimes when I look at you I can imagine nothing greater than slamming my fist into your face.

3. Loss

The loss of the good friend stopped hurting once I realised you weren’t such a good friend. However some things were lost and I miss them. I miss the silent hours spent in your company, how I could sit with you in your room, uninvited, reading while you sat lost in whatever other world you’d enter. I miss the music and stories we shared. The moments we laughed. How you hugged me when you knew I’d had enough at whatever it was I’d had enough of and I’d run out of tears or words to dedicate to the subject. I miss the days we debated, taught and learnt with one another. These things won’t happen again, not because they couldn’t, I don’t think we’re that far gone, but because I don’t want these things anymore, now with you.

I was prepared for the loss of you but not the loss of wanting you.

4. A little bit less lonely

You’re bound to feel lonely if there’s someone or something you want that’s not there, who won’t be there. So I did feel lonely for a good while, while I pined for you, but I don’t want you anymore so although I now spend my nights alone I’m not lonely. I have no desire to wrap myself around your warm body. I’m a little bit less lonely without you.

5. Relief

I don’t love you anymore and I’m relieved. I don’t love you as a friend or a lover and I’m relieved. Mt heart no longer seizes in my chest when I hear you haven’t left your room for days or you aren’t getting out of bed. I don’t worry about you being unhappy, I’m sorry that you are but thank God you’re not my mess to deal with anymore - Relief right there.

 I’m relieved that I now see you for who you are not who you could be. Relieved that I now know you would (and will if I let you, I’m not going to let you) rip my heart from my chest, almost destroy it then hang around and try and do it all over again once it’s back where it belongs, all the while justifying your actions with “I know what I did in my heart was right”. That lump of stone told you it was all right. Yeah, okay, well excuse me if I don’t agree with a self-conceited bastard heart such as yours. You see mine still beats.

Most of all I’m relieved to know I am loveable. For a while there you had me believing there was something wrong with me and that you would love me if I changed something or anything but you didn’t and I started to think I was unlovable.

So I’m relieved to tell you, the world, and myself, it’s you not me, I am loveable. You just can’t/won’t (I’m not sure which) love me.